In a survey during the Clinton era, when teenagers were asked where they can get free condoms, 40% said at a free clinic, 16% said from a friend, and 44% said at
the White House gift shop.
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Q: What do people buy coffee with?
A: Starbucks.
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Toothache
Paddy, suffering from a severe toothache, finally got
up enough nerve to visit his dentist, but lost it again
when he was about to get into the chair. The dentist
told his assistant to give Paddy a shot of whiskey kept
on hand for just such circumstances as this.
"You got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.
"No!" replied Paddy.
So a second shot was brought, then a third.
"Now have you got your courage?" asked the dentist.
"You're damn right!" Paddy said, squaring his shoulders.
"I'd like to see the SOB who'd dare to touch my teeth
now!"
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Surrogate father
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to
make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come
to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's
good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we
start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out
for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be
pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure
you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the
top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her
throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when
you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding
around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three
hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and
yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness
approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually
chewed on your, uh...equipment? '
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-
up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon
on. It is much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
And Mrs. Smith fainted !!!!!
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Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look a bit flushed !
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