RAMBLINGS

Late one night

Late one evening, an officer was parked outside a local pub. He noticed a man leaving the bar who was so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After the intoxicated man had tried his keys on five different vehicles, he managed to find his car and fall into the driver's seat.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, flicked the indicators on, tooted the horn, and then finally switched on the lights. He remained stationery for a few more minutes as more cars left the parking lot. After what seemed like an eternity, he pulled out of the lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station; this equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy
to divert the attention of police."

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Divine Intervention

Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he's sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won't run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself - everyone else is in church!

Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"

Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!

Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiles and replies, "Who's he going to tell?"

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Give and Take

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I'm required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most - your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss' bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss' house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

The man says, "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

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Deaf Wife ?

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

'Ralph, for the FIFTH time I am telling you, CHICKEN !'

Jesus and Moses

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler dog Jesus."

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THE ORIGINAL QUOTE
If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was.....

THE NEW VERSIONS

Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was

Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back within some time forget her.

Patient:
If you love someone, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back,
continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat ....

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom

Statisticians :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable
anyway.

Schwarzenegger' s fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Over possessive person :
If you love someone
don't set her free.

MBA :
If you love someone set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

ERP functional expert :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance expert :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Specialist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market

1. There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the lift down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it is raining! Why?

(This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly satisfying)

2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene,but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives, the surgeon says,"I can't operate on this boy, he is my son! " How can this be?

3. A man is wearing black shoes, socks, trousers, lumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off.A black car is coming towards him with its lights off, but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?

4. Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones? This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle that can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.

5. A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early.Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

6. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.

(This puzzle claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out)

The Answers are:

1. The man is very, very short and can only reach halfway up the lift buttons. However,if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him and can press the higher buttons with it.

2. The surgeon was his mother.

3. It was day time.

4. A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.

5. The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man Drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.

6. The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups - so the man no longer needed the water.

=================================================

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine says five to six.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried
in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her
Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for
her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know
it is me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked
his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked :
'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular
Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended
toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you,
we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very
obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice,
'Mom, what is butt dust?'

.

WHAT LOVE MEANS TO AGE 4 TO 8 YEAR OLD CHILDREN

>
> 'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
>
> So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
> Rebecca- age 8
>
> 'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
> You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
> Billy - age 4

>
> 'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
> Karl - age 5

>
> 'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
> Chrissie- age 6

>
> 'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
> Terri - age 4

>
> 'Love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
> Danny - age 7

>
> 'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
> My Mummy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'
> Emily - age 8
>
> 'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
> Bobby - age 7 (Wow!

> 'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'
>
> Nikka - age 6
> (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

> 'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
> Noelle - age 7

>
> 'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
> Tommy - age 6
>
> 'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
>
> He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
> Cindy - age 8
>
>
> 'My mummy loves me more than anybody
>
> You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
> Clare - age 6
>
> 'Love is when Mummy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
> Elaine-age 5
>

> 'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
> Chris - age 7

> 'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day'
> Mary Ann - age 4
>
> 'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
> Lauren - age 4
>
>
> 'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
> Karen - age 7
>

> 'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
> Mark - age 6
>

> 'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
> Jessica - age 8
>

> And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
>
> The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
>
> The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
>
> Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
>
> When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said,
> 'Nothing, I just helped him cry
**************

(Taken from descriptions by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.
They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out of their mouth.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip.. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us, even when we have acted bad.

A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

"GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH ! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM !"

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

A cold March wind danced around the dead of night in Dallas as the doctor walked into the small hospital room of Diana Blessing. She was still groggy from surgery.

Her husband, David , held her hand as they braced themselves for the latest news.

That afternoon of March 10, 1991, complications had forced Diana, only 24-weeks pregnant, to undergo an emergency Cesarean to deliver the couple's new daughter, Dana Lu Blessing.

At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound nine ounces, they already knew she was perilously premature.

Still, the doctor's soft words dropped like bombs.

"I don't think she's going to make it," he said, as kindly as he could.

"There's only a 10-percent chance she will live through the night, and even then, if by some slim chance she does make it, her future could be a very cruel one"

Numb with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the doctor described the devastating problems Dana would likely face if she survived.

She would never walk, she would never talk, she would probably be blind, and she would certainly be prone to other catastrophic conditions from cerebral palsy to complete mental retardation, and on and on.

"No! No!" was all Diana could say.

She and David , with their 5-year-old son Dustin, had long dreamed of the day they would have a daughter to become a family of four.

Now, within a matter of hours, that dream was slipping away

But as those first days passed, a new agony set in for David and Diana. Because Dana's underdeveloped nervous system was essentially 'raw', the lightest kiss or caress only intensified her discomfort, so they couldn't even cradle their tiny baby girl against their chests to offer the strength of their love.

All they could do, as Dana struggled alone beneath the ultraviolet light in the tangle of tubes and wires, was to pray that God would stay close to their precious little girl.

There was never a moment when Dana suddenly grew stronger.

But as the weeks went by, she did slowly gain an ounce of weight here and an ounce of strength there.

At last, when Dana turned two months old. her parents were able to hold her in their arms for the very first time.

And two months later, though doctors continued to gently but grimly warn that her chances of surviving, much less living any kind of normal life, were next to zero, Dana went home from the hospital, just as her mother had predicted.

FIVE YEARS LATER

She showed no signs whatsoever of any mental or physical impairment. Simply, she was everything a little girl can be and more.

One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her home in Irving , Texas , Dana was sitting in her mother's lap in the bleachers of a local ball park where her brother Dustin's baseball team was practicing.

As always, Dana was chattering nonstop with her mother and several other adults sitting nearby, when she suddenly fell silent Hugging her arms across her chest, little Dana asked, "Do you smell that?"

Smelling the air and detecting the approach of a thunderstorm, Diana replied, "Yes, it smells like rain."

Dana closed her eyes and again asked, "Do you smell that?"

Once again, her mother replied, "Yes, I think we're about to get wet. It smells like rain."

Still caught in the moment, Dana shook her head, patted her thin shoulders with her small hands and loudly announced,

"No, it smells like Him.

It smells like God when you lay your head on His chest."

Tears blurred Diana's eyes as Dana happily hopped down to play with the other children.

Before the rains came, her daughter's words confirmed what Diana and all the members of the extended Blessing family had known, at least in their hearts, all along.

During those long days and nights of her first two months of her life, when her nerves were too sensitive for them to touch her, God was holding Dana on His chest and it is His loving scent that she remembers so well.

** * *****

This morning when the Lord opened a window to Heaven, He saw me, and He asked: "My child, what is your greatest wish for today?" I responded:

"Lord please, take care of the person who is reading this message, their family and their special friends. They deserve it and I love them very much" The love of God is like the ocean, you can see its beginning, but not its end.